Folks, we here at Max got a fake copy of a fake transcript of a fake conversation that occurred between our tall, good-looking, and handsome Congressman, Beto O'Rourke, and my ex-, Naomi Gonzalez.
It occurred a couple of weeks ago.
******************************
(Congressman O'Rourke one morning is tearing it up on his Schwinn heading to The Hill, when State Representative Naomi Gonzalez calls.)
O'Rourke: Yo! This is yo' Congress-MAN speaking. How can I represent you?
Gonzalez: Beto, It's me Naomi.
O'Rourke: Yo! Hey, Nomes! How ya' doin, bro!?!? Mary Gonzalez? Have you hit that yet???
Gonzalez: Excuse me?
O'Rourke: What? Doesn't Mary like chicks or something? I figure it would be match-made in the Legislature.
Gonzalez: Beto, shut up. I'm calling you about something really urgent, and no, Mary does not like chicks. And what is with all that wind?
O'Rourke: Okay, okay. Take it easy, bro. The wind? Sheeeeeiiiiit. I got you on my Bluetooth as I tear it up on my Schwinn. I got pegs on this mutha' so I can give my buddy, Aaron Schock, a lift. You know? The Congressguy who is almost as good-looking as me. Anyways. Lay it on me, Nomes.
Gonzalez: Jesus Christ. Anyways. Ummm....How do I say this...I got busted for driving drunk and hit a car. But nobody is seriously injured. Although the girls in the Fiat are kinda cute and all. But no one is hurt, but still I don't know, Beto. I really messed up big time. I don't know what to do.
O'Rourke: OOOOOOOOH! Naomi "hittin'" on chicks! BOOM!
Gonzalez: Beto, this is serious...
O'Rouke: Look, I am Irish and a Democrat. We all know you do not want Irish Democrats behind the wheel of anything other than the Wheel of Fortune. I would kick ass at that.
Gonzalez: Beto.
O'Rourke: Oh yeah, so you may or may not know, Naomi, but like my fellow Irish Democrat, Ted Kennedy, I too have been caught in a bit of pickle. Just between you and I, I too got busted for drunk driving. But don't tell anybody. It might get me un-elected or something. You saw what happened to David K.
Gonzalez: Yes, Beto. Do not worry. Your SECRET is safe with me. I promise NOBODY in El Paso knows about it. Remember, Beto, David K is German, not Irish. So you are okay.
O'Rourke: That's right!!! I forgot. David is a little goose-stepping kraut. He don't got the luck of the Irish! Marisa kinda does cos' she went to ND. Come to think of it that may explain why Marisa is such a brawler. She is FIGHTIN' Irish. Yea...
Gonzalez: Beto. Stop it. I need help.
O'Rourke: Okay. Okay. Time to get for realz. Look, it's hard. Hell, the only way Ted Kennedy could sober up was through death, but even then he could relapse. But I cannot die. So what did I do? Cycling, baby! You cannot drink too much and cycle. It is really hard. But even if you try, you cannot get arrested for cycling like a retard. Unlike with driving. If you crash into another bike, it's okay. You don't need to call the cops or call insurance. But now cycling is more than just a practical pursuit. It is a way of life. Which is why I want to create a bike lane from DC to EP. So if I was you, I too would pick up a bike. It's next to impossible to get into trouble on a bike.
Gonzalez: (Hangs up.)
O'Rourke: Hello? Nomes? You there? Oh shit! I better jump onto the sidewalk I see Joe Kennedy behind a wheel.
Recent Comments